I received this message, and so many others like it, from clients and professionals alike seeking guidance and perspective. In the next 3 minutes, I’m going to present to you a framework for how to think about solving this problem.

Fair warning – you may not like what you’re about to read – you may rationalize and think that you’re too experienced to do what is suggested, or that you're not experienced enough to be taken seriously – but, if you think this way when you read the following, remember that it might be exactly that mentality keeping you from advancing:

Mindset Matters

I hate networking. Because of this, I never bought into the tropes of “life’s all about networking”. My colleague, Amy Albero and I recently put together a training for some of our graduate students at Fairfield University, and in this discussion I spoke explicitly about not wanting to network in my career. To me, the word networking is associated with surface level conversations and casual connections that are held together tenuously by a mutual desire to be seen, but with the lack of depth you can come to expect from chatting up strangers. The conversation is timebound, everyone knows it, and it’s a matter of getting through it, rather than investing in it.

Rather than network, in her book Quiet Susan Cain offers introverts, like me, a way of reconceptualizing these engagements. Rather than see them as formal networking opportunities, view them as if you’re hosting guests at your house. You don’t need anything from them. You don’t even want anything from them. Your job is to just simply connect, ensure they’re having a good time, and where you can, offer levity and graciousness that signals to your guest that you’re happy they are there with you.

Therefore, the first goal is to view networking less as formal hand shaking with an agenda, and more so as connecting. If the connection goes somewhere and you and your “guest” hit it off, then “invite them back to the dinner party”, and reconnect. If not, no big deal. Remove the requirement to sell yourself, to show up dressed to impress, or to facilitate something with structure and purpose. Simply invite the guest into a conversation that allows you to learn more about them – not their business. Simple as it may seem, this change in language, from networking to connecting, helps frame your mindset for what’s to follow.

30 Coffees in 30 Days

All you need is one connection to start. When you reach out, ask your “guest” or “connection” if they’d be willing to meet with you for coffee – in fact, follow this question up with a statement and assert what you’re looking for. Here’s an example:

Hi Justin! Hope all is well with you. I’d love to have the chance to connect and learn more about the work you’re doing. Can we arrange a time to chat over coffee? I’m free:

• Option 1: early in the week, select a morning slot
• Option 2: midweek, select a morning slot that’s different from option 1
• Option 3: late, to end of week option

Keys to Performance:

• Use the word “chat”...it signals something brief and engaging, and is more inviting as a result.
• Use the rule of 3s when offering meeting options. This gives your connection the illusion of choice, when really you’ve preselected your availability. If you're tempted to provide more options - don't. More options creates decision fatigue for your connection, preventing them from moving forward with a selection.

When you eventually meet with this connection, your job is to follow the mindset from above…with one added mission: get one other name to speak to for your next connection. It can sound like this:

So great to connect with you…before we jump, I was wondering…is there anyone else in the space or field that you think I should connect with? What’s their contact information?

Keys to Performance:

• If they don’t have anyone to offer, push them to expand their thinking beyond just people, and see if there’s an event/place where you could pursue meeting connections.
• It’s not rude to ask them to repeat themselves and write down what they tell you. You may get only one chance at getting that connection, so be sure to capture it. Take your time, pull your phone out, and write it down.

Your total goal with “30 coffees in 30 days” is to create as much forward momentum as you can. Every connection should lead to more connections, so if you start with three names and three coffees, you’ll have at least three more from there to build on.

Key Reminder:

• Lower the friction in the first introduction. When sending connection emails or messages, keep it to 3 to 4 sentences.
• If coffee can’t happen, 30 min remote based meetings are usually non-invasive enough to get you the same result.

Getting a job doesn’t really hinge on “who you know” and it’s not about “networking”. It’s about “who you get to know and who you connect with.”

Thanks for reading as always. Time to win the week. See you soon.

– J

PS: If this resonated, it would mean a lot if you shared this newsletter with just one friend. There’s a quiet community of people striving to get better every day—and we’d love to have them along for the ride.

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​Valiance Counseling & Coaching, 99 Cherry St, Milford, CT
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