Here's an easy way to stay connected to your values this week...
Almost everyone I've had the pleasure of working with cites "family" as something they value. Many also cite that they value "growth" too.
So here's a simple way to stay value aligned this week.
Copy & paste the below to a friend or family member:
"Hey – hope you had a great weekend and all's well – just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Saw this and thought you might enjoy reading it: https://one-percent-better.kit.com/count-me-in."
If you skip over this, you're missing an easy chance to win the week 😉
Ok...onto this week's OPB...
Calling Cabs, Flight Delays, and How to Have Clearer Conversations.
I started my career as a family therapist. Over a decade later, I, along with the team at Valiance, continue to support families who are navigating the challenges of adolescence, substance abuse and – a challenge that is commonly brought to therapists – “communication” issues.
From family life, to management, to team decision-making, this week's OPB will walk you through how to be a better communicator.
To start, it’s important to know that there are (generally) four different communication styles, but only one allows leaders to get disproportionately greater outcomes. Let’s outline each, and end with the one you want:
Passive Communication:
- Often too self-deprecating, or self blaming, the passive communicator enters conversations disempowered, leading with apology and struggling to say no.
TONE: reserved, guarded, short, quieter or meek
Aggressive:
- Too direct or honest, lacking empathy, often self centered, and domineering
TONE: cutting, demanding, inappropriately strong
Passive Aggressive:
- Pretends to agree, denies problems exist, whispers under their breath, gaslights, indirect
TONE: sarcastic, indirect, confused, victimized
Assertive:
- Firm, clear, but sensitive, the assertive communicator respects the audience, and is self assured
TONE: clear, composed, confident
With these styles now outlined, we’re going to quickly dive into why you’re probably not being as clear as you can be in your communication with those closest to you and the impact that it has on their emotional experience of you.
A lesson from Uber
When you pull up your Uber app, you know exactly when the car you've ordered to drive you is scheduled to arrive. Uber has taken the unknowns of ordering a traditional taxi service, and made it known.
Getting a taxi can be a frustratingly difficult task. You’re literally trying to flag down a moving vehicle, guessing, based on a quick interpretation of the signage, if the taxi could accommodate you. Despite the very active experience of hailing taxis, the pattern of communication from taxis to consumers is a pretty passive one, suggesting something like: “I’m here if you can catch me.”
Uber flipped this model. Now you know almost everything about your pick up experience – not just know when it’s coming – but also who’s driving, what car they drive, and what roads they are taking to get you.
Uber’s made communication with you assertive. You still feel in control, but they are making it very clear to you what’s happening. As a result – you’re not left feeling anxious about hailing an open cab, finding the right crossroads that can position you to find a taxi heading in your direction, or getting in a cab that’s cramped and can’t easily accommodate you.
Assertive communication therefore allows you – the consumer – to relax. And you’ll pay good money for that – not just for the experience – but for feeling secure about that experience too.
What Airlines Get Wrong & How You Can Get it Right
Imagine these two scenarios:
Scenario 1:
You and your family are all onboard a local airline getting ready to take off for a family vacation. Luggage is securely stored in the overhead bin, personal item under the seat etc. We’re ready to go… however, just as you settle in for take off the pilot announces that there will be a 30 min delay due to traffic on the runway.
You’re disappointed by the inconvenience and annoyed. You take a deep breath, throw on some music in your headphones and try to relax. 30 mins later, your plane departs. Let the vacation begin. Not the best, but tolerable. What they said was going to happen, happened.
Scenario 2:
Same scenario, only this time the pilot ends up delaying your flight several times. The first go around, the pilot communicates that the delay should be “brief” and that we should be able to “take off shortly”. However, after waiting through the first delay, they come back on the loud speaker only to delay you a second time.
This is a mood altering style of communication – how many times are they going to change the plan! Let’s just say you’re not very calm here. Your head spins. You’re trapped with no sense of when you’ll be leaving because you feel a sense of distrust in what’s been communicated. Worst of all, you’re powerless.
This style of communication is the opposite of what we’re looking for from our leaders and you can sense the negative emotional impact it has.
Which leads us to the build up for this week's “To Do’s”: if you’re having to deliver bad news, it’s better to be straightforward and clear versus making empty promises that might change.
Believe it or not, we can actually tolerate ambiguity better than we can tolerate being told one thing and having to experience another. If airlines would communicate that they simply don’t know how long a flight might be delayed, it actually normalizes that we’re all in this experience of not knowing together, and while certainly uncomfortable, it’s better than feeling you’re being misled. The most assertive pilots aren’t telling you something that isn’t true – they're brave enough to tell you the truth – which doesn’t mean it’s not hard to hear, but at least you know it’s real.
TO-DOs
- This week, eliminate the word “just” from any written correspondence (and verbal if you can remember). This word signals passivity and obfuscates a clearer message. If you want to test this, write out your email with “just” in it, and then look to trim it from the sentence. You’ll find it’s
just a bit more clear.
- Lead with “I” not “You”. “I” led statements make it pretty hard to argue with you, place ownership on you, not the other person, and make it clear you have command over what you’re experiencing. It’s a good step towards assertiveness. “I” recommend you try it.
- Lead with the truth, then give the filler. As in the above pilot example, when you watch Hard Knocks, on HBO, head NFL coaches who have to cut players from joining the team typically just lead out with the truth first. They communicate assertively – kindly, but firmly – that a player is being cut, and then they provide additional filler about how they feel about the player. Borrow from this style. Lead with the honesty of what’s happening first, then fill in the rest. Remember: clarity breeds trust > trust breeds confidence > confidence breeds performance.
- If seeking permission, don’t ask “is it ok?”, instead ask, “how open would you be to…?” Framing permission based questions as an open question asserts that you’re collaborating, versus viewing yourself as subservient.
Thanks for reading as always.
Time to win the week 🏆
See you next week :)
– J
