Before we jump in – why not start the week with some generosity? A simple gesture to let people know you're thinking of them can go a long way in staying connected and feeling grateful. I've made it simple for you, copy & paste the below to a friend or family member:
"Hey – hope you had a great weekend and all's well – just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Saw this and thought you might enjoy reading it: https://one-percent-better.kit.com/count-me-in."
Ok...onto this week's OPB...
Depression, Success vs Happiness, and Mind Control
I recently had a freshman in high school tell me he was battling through several weeks of overwhelming depression. He felt like he had been recognized out of sympathy vs merit while at an end of school year event. This caused a cascade of negative thinking and perseveration to occur. The recognition he received counterintuitively hit a nerve – he felt exposed – outed for being a nice guy, an act of kindness he had chosen to do only because of how lonely he actually was feeling. He had no one – or at least felt like he had no one close to relate to – and so he feigned friendship and now was being rewarded for it.
It got me thinking about just how insidious and covert depression can be to spot (click here for a great example of this), and how a simple concept like understanding how we make meaning of things can decide how we feel about an event. Here we have a young man being awarded for his good deeds, but internalizing that award as a failure. This, in and of itself, is something worth highlighting as we start our week off, but he left me with another point worthy of some time and consideration too:
What’s worth chasing more, success or happiness?
You are Not Your Thoughts
Get ready…teaching this concept about who “you” are not being connected to what “you” are thinking can be a difficult concept to initially grasp…so buckle in.
For example: if you were really in control of your body, you should be able to “think” to command your body to stop aging – but that’s not how it works. Your mind cannot control the body’s natural forces. What “you think” therefore isn’t “who you are”, otherwise you’d be able to exert this kind of mind control.
Check out how Shaolin Master Shi Heng Yi breaks this concept down in this conversation here.
Similarly, it’s very possible for “you” to think something, and “you” do something else – like feel tired and not want to go to work – but go to work nonetheless. In this case, what “you” are doing is different from what “you” are thinking.
So who is the “you” that’s in control?
What this tells us is that who “we are”, in our bodies, is not entirely what we think.
This concept can be the building blocks of working through depression. In the aforementioned instance, my client needed to work through how his interpretation of the event – how he thought about it and made meaning from it – was subjective – and was automatically negative, but not objectively a true reflection of who he was.
Objectively he won an award. Subjectively he thought it was a sympathy vote. But who “he” thought “he” was, was his thoughts, when really his thoughts were just on autopilot and not really "him" at all. His thoughts were negative – they were warped by a set of beliefs – and not an accurate depiction of who he actually was or is as a person.
Bottom Line: if you’re finding yourself spiraling down a never ending sequence of negative thoughts, your first job is to recognize that’s happening, stop yourself from ruminating any further, and then appreciate that what you’re thinking is more than likely an inaccurate version of reality. It’s not who you are.
Your thoughts are just a part of you, but they're not you.
Success Comes at a Cost
This is a concept that I’ve paid some attention to in previous posts, but my client spoke to this in a way that I think is worth revisiting. I think many high school students and college students experience an existential crisis of contemplating what price they are willing to pay for the prospect of success or happiness.
Even adults contemplate this. I often reference sacrificing happiness for the benefit of my career by moving away from North Carolina (where I was happy) and back home to Connecticut (where I could have a better shot at a secure career).
Some calculate this as an equation that will cost them passion to get success. Others calculate that pursuing success will cost them their dreams.
Some prioritize safety and predictability over chasing what they feel they’d be most interested in – others are willing to pay the price of uncertainty to live the life they’ve always wanted.
I’m not sure if happiness and success are mutually exclusive, but I do know it’s worth pondering about the cost of each. Everything has a cost. You should be very aware of what you’re paying, and if what you’re paying is getting you the result that you actually can live with. After all, you’re the one paying the price. You get to decide what’s worth paying for.
Thanks for reading as always. '
Time to win the week.
See you soon :)
– J
