Death, Fear, and the Conversations Men Don’t Have
I talk about death and mortality in my work with men. Many of my clients don’t say what they want to say to others. They fear letting people down, and are thus burdened by the notion that they may die holding onto these secrets. Others silently stir over building a sustainable life for themselves and their family. Some men just flat out fear death.
In fact, within the course of 24 hours just this past week, I met with two men in their twenties who presented these same thematic challenges. I myself, at 36 years old, have been preoccupied by thinking about mortality this year. It's been in my consciousness, like a gnat that continues to buzz by my ear. From the vantage point of understanding myself, it seems this preoccupation is designed to focus my attention on the present. I have found it hard to pay close attention to the meaning of the day, to find joy in the small things, without a conscious reminder that all of these moments will pass.
If you are in a position to influence young men, you should be acutely aware that what you see is not always what you get. The outside world's view of what you’re seeing often masks the internal world of so many men and boys that I’ve come to have the privilege to work with.
Do not judge a book by its cover. Rather, read the following passage to understand how to better connect to the men you see and relate to about a topic that most certainly doesn’t get enough attention – mortality and death:
Lessons in Relational Results
For men who believe that they are responsible for shouldering pain without complaint, it’s easy for them to forfeit personal happiness for providership. If you know of men in their twenties (or older for that matter) who seem obsessed by the notion of finding a top job, appear hell-bent on overscheduling themselves with extracurriculars to maximize their candidacy, and make little room to dial it back, you’re talking to a man who prides themselves on taking on responsibility. I know this, because I am one of these men.
These men don’t tend to struggle with work ethic. They struggle in translating this responsibility into boundary building – doing something to prioritize their own needs while maybe disappointing others. They are accustomed to the following equation:
Results = Effort
When they struggle to find the results they’re looking for…you guessed it…they just apply more effort.
But what about results on the relational domain? The softer, squishier results – like love, affection, care, compassion, trust, integrity etc. How do you apply effort there? This is where the men I work with struggle. Men should read this carefully however, because this doesn’t mean men should switch from sacrificing as a provider to sacrificing all of oneself for the approval of another relationally. No – to get results relationally may mean operating with self- restraint, resisting the urge to fix everything, stating what matters even when it hurts another, or embracing interpersonal differences.
To make it more real for my male clients, I’ll sometimes ask these men to contemplate the end of their life – to think about the kinds of things that are talked about in an obituary – perhaps even in their obituary. Very rarely are people being remembered for the kind of work they did. They are recognized for the impact they made, the relationships they forged – they are seen for who they are, or who they were – not for what they did.
In my conversation with one twenty-something, we used this concept of death to increase urgency in him communicating how he truly felt to those that he cared about – to be honest, open,and direct.
As he later put it, he would struggle to live comfortably with the idea that he didn’t say what he wanted to say if it all ended today.
Lessons in Fear
Many of the men I work with are scared they’ll never amount to being the person they can be, or those around them can be proud of. These men are avoidant, dejected, and lonely. In their case, they already fear death, or at least a version of death, in knowing that their life wouldn’t have been led meaningfully.
For these men, courage is the area of our focus.
If you know men who seem highly contemplative, stuck in their own heads, who seem to not be able to get out of their own way, these are the ones who worry about the future, but can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other. I know this, because I was once one of these men too.
Great coaches, mentors, teachers, and parents seem to know exactly what to do in these situations. They seem to epitomize a line I heard from Chris Williamson:
“I know you can be more but are enough already and even if you just stay where you are, I’ll be right here next to you.”
They hold firm in their belief in the person they’re working with, whilst also not being too agenda driven – too pushy – too firm in their drive to have that man move forward if they’re not ready. If unsolicited advice is provided, it comes from a sense of belief in that young man, not as projected anxiety from the coach/mentor/teacher/parent. There’s an emphasis on allowing that man the space and time to be the lead hero in his own story – to overcome his own battles – to do things on his timeline – to figure it out, knowing that he has a community of support behind him, not pressure.
This is how men overcome fear. They look to their environment around them to see if it is safe to leap – they take the leap of faith only when they know it is safe from judgement, shame, or blame.
After all, people on their death bed overwhelmingly wish they would have taken more risks – not less – and wish they would have been brave enough to do so.
Lessons in Fate
I’ve long had a keen interest in learning about the American West and early American History. In reading and absorbing content about America in the 1800’s, I’m always struck by the reminder of just how matter-of-fact the culture surrounding death was at that time. It’s not unusual to hear about a story of a settler who made their way west, and who spent their entire life building a place for their family to reside, only to die in the most sudden and bizarre fashion.
Whether from disease, accidents, infection, tribal warfare, a shootout, an animal attack, or being frozen in the cold, death was so likely, that the culture at that time seemed to embrace it far better than today’s culture of comfort.
In 2025, death is held at bay. The things that once killed us, no longer are seen as threats, and as a result, there is far less death for all of us to contend with. This, of course, is a good thing, as we’re all seemingly provided plenty of time to live a life of meaning. However, for some men, the lack of death’s prevalence means that we’ve become desensitized to death and far more scared of it.
If you, or the men you know, fear sudden death, accidental death, or who have self-admitted phobias surrounding death, these are men who benefit in relinquishing what they perceive is in their control, and embracing fate.
My work with these men is psychological, or conceptual in nature. Men who fear sudden death often have created narratives in their head – psychological stories – that magnify the chances of dying and discount other frames of thinking. Our work then centers on building in room for my male clients to accept their fate (Amor Fati), or in other cases, challenge the notion that probabilistically it is even likely they die in whatever unlikely way they are fearing after all.
The more one embraces the possibility of what could happen, and accepts it as both inevitable and as something they have little to no control over (especially with the fears associated with random death) the more they can free themselves of this fear. Perhaps the best approach to death that I’ve ever heard comes from Jane Goodall as she said:
“My next great adventure, aged 90, is going to be dying. There’s either nothing or something. If there’s nothing there’s nothing, that’s it. If there’s something I can’t think of a greater adventure than finding out what it is. I happen to think there is something because of the experiences I’ve had, because of experiences other people have had. Very powerful ones.”
In all cases, whether in relationships, fear, or fate, men are thinking. They are thinking about what they want to become, they are worrying about becoming it, and they are drawn to the idea of shaping their lives in ways that leave them, and those around them, feeling fulfilled. I promise this is happening. If you want to get closer to the men in your life, respect that this is happening. Talk about mortality. Talk about purpose. Make space for perspectives. They shouldn’t have to do this alone.
If this week’s edition resonates and you know of some men in your life who could benefit from working with me and my team, please feel free to get in touch.
Thanks for reading as always and if this resonates with you, forward this edition to a friend!
Time to win the week 🏆
See you next week :)
– J
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